the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
