My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
