I cannot find my penis.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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