if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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