It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
