I'm eating all of the evidence.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
