I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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