i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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