Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
