I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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