I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
