How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
