You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
