I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
