the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think my moral compass just broke
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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