I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
