I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
