Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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