You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
