Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
