sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
