why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
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