You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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