My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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