Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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