oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
