Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
