Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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