remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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