my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
