the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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