between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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