Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
