Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
17 year olds will be the death of me.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Randomize
