Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
vagina is talking i cant
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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