just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
