He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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