Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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