If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
