She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
