i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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