I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
