dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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