I want to stick my p in your. b.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
