how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
