I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
