So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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