Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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