I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
