Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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