I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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