I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
