I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
