All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
