i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
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