i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Randomize
